Are you feeling bad about humanity?

Could you live without climate change, social unrest, and professional wrestling?

Would you rather spend your evenings glaring mindfully at the stars rather than staring thoughtlessly at Netflix or social media?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then it's quite possible you're ripe for being abducted by extraterrestrials. In a good way, that is. I mean the kind without all the probing and fetal hybrid experimentation.

It's certainly a prospect that I consider on a daily basis, so you're definitely not alone. Especially since a life exploring the infinite expanses of the Cosmos holds vastly more appeal to me than paying higher taxes and rising rents, getting painfully old and watching the masses become even more zombified and stupid, and enduring any further seasons of Survivor or Disney-made reboots of Star Wars.

So if you're mad as hell and you just can't take it any more, and you've decided it's time to get off this rock at all costs, then stop belly aching and take some action! But, what can you do? I mean, how exactly does a person go about willfully getting abducted by superior beings from another planet?

Well, there might not be much you can do to make yourself any more appealing to a group of lifeforms that are seemingly far worthier of being here than we. After all, no matter how "connected" you might feel you are, you're still probably just a lowly and hopeless human in their eyes, right?

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I suppose you could try wearing something especially psychedelic looking from head to toe to fetch their attentions. Or perhaps an Alf t-shirt and a springy antennae headband with plenty of glitter are your ticket in? Oh, and don't forget to fashion yourself a really nice tinfoil hat to don - I hear they all love that!

Regardless of your chosen garb, there is one thing you can definitely do to increase your chances of being taken, and that's putting yourself in the right place at the right time!

Now, the right time is probably the middle of the night, but I think all of our little green friends have the ability to pull the old three-finger snatch-and-grab whenever they damn well please, so the big focus really becomes being in the right place. And that's why I've assembled a handy list of the top eleven places to get abducted by aliens in Washington State. You can thank me later after you've set up shop in some distant galaxy where peace reigns supreme and Shia LaBeouf has a black hole named after him to honor something other than his mouth.

MOUNT ADAMS

Over the past forty years, this dormant volcanic peak in the Cascade Mountain Range has been a major hotspot for all kinds of UFO activity. So there might be no better place in Evergreen country to open your arms and wait for your turn to get beamed up.

OLYMPIC NATIONAL PARK

It's densely forested, largely unpopulated, and dark as hell at night. Yes! The only potential problem with this location is having to pay the entry fees. But once you've moved away from Earth, money won't be a thing anymore anyway :-)

NORTH CASCADES HIGHWAY

The portion of this rural roadway that would be your best bet for getting space-napped is only open for about half the year, but you'd have roughly fifty miles to meander in one of its two lanes before reaching civilization in either direction.

SULLIVAN LAKE

Tucked away in the extreme northeast corner of the state in Pend Oreille County, Sullivan Lake would not only make a beautiful backdrop for your intergalactic appropriation, but it's also sparsely visited and surrounded by pine trees, making it a perfect location to take the Nestea.T. Plunge!

ANATONE

Located in the furthest corner of Washington's southeastern quadrant, this tiny town (population 38) looks like it's straight out of a Hollywood movie about alien visitation. It's also very outland, and on my own travels here, I've gotten the distinct impression that everyone there has already been abducted at least a few times.

TAHOLAH

Coastal abductions are always a welcome choice for our astral drop-ins, and this little village on the Quinalt Indian Reservation in Grays Harbor County is a quintessential spot for leaving it all behind. Plus, the Native peoples of the Americas have a strong historical connection to otherworldly beings, so Taholah could be that place you've been looking for.

STATE ROUTE 21 / FERRY COUNTY

State Route 21 is 214 miles long, beginning in the town of Kahlotus in Franklin County and ending in Danville at the U.S./Canada Border. While most of it would make a decent selection for getting picked up by E.T.s, the 54-mile stretch that runs between Lake Roosevelt's northern shores and the town of Republic is prime for suddenly vanishing in a ray blinding light! It's all located on the Colville Indian Reservation and innately possesses an eldritch feeling with or without the presence of strange off-world entities.

SATUS PASS

I've had numerous UFO encounters over my many years driving Washington's highways and byways, and would be remiss if I didn't include the site of what was arguably my most bizarre. There wasn't any missing time associated with this one, so I'm pretty sure I wasn't taken, but I'd be willing to bet whatever it was is used to fishing that neck of the woods for unsuspecting humans who like to watch pretty red lights under intelligent control drifting about in the skies above.

WATERVILLE PLATEAU

Although I've actually seen a number of strange lights and other potentially-extraterrestrial objects in the starry firmament above the Waterville Plateau over the years, it's the dream I once had of a full-fledged landing incident and subsequent boarding of a spacecraft that leads me to this inclusion. It happened in the Rimrock area roughly halfway between Waterville and Coulee City, just off U.S. Highway 2. For me, it was always a sure sign that this might be my personal superterrestrial bus stop in the event I ever want to truly go home again. Might work for you too I guess.

PALMER LAKE

This large and well-hidden lake in Okanogan County has long been rumored to be the site of a subaquatic UFO base. And while I've personally never seen anything there which I'd characterize as out-of-the-ordinary, I've heard dozens of stories from numerous others about everything from huge glowing orbs entering and leaving the lake's deep blue waters to a family of slender humanoids with creamy gray skin standing hand-in-hand on its shoreline. Sounds like a great place to stick your thumb out and wait for an interstellar ride from a passing star tripper if you ask me!

FREMONT, SEATTLE

Who says you have to be in the middle of nowhere to get shanghaied by aliens? Anyone who's ever spent time in Seattle's artsy Fremont neighborhood knows this all too well. In fact, most of the "people" who live there would probably qualify as being less from this world than something else far removed. So just be your unusual self and blend in with the crowd and you just might find yourself  in a place far, far away before you can say "magic mushroom!"

HONORABLE MENTION

ELLIOTT BAY

Yes, it's immediately adjacent to a major U.S. city, but it also bears the namesake of the little boy from the movie E.T., so I think that fact alone makes it a viable option.

VADER

Oh c'mon, if you can't figure out why I included this small town in Lewis County on the list, then I don't think you're ready to be abducted by anything but the Duh! Police. After all, even all the real extraterrestrials have seen Star Wars.