In case you hadn't noticed, today is Valentine's Day. And if you're just now getting the memo and have a significant other waiting for you at home, then you've potentially got a big problem.

But don't worry! I'm here to help :-)

Being no fan of V-Day myself but having lived ostensibly in domestic bliss with a number of women throughout the course of my life, I've been where you're at before. And I can tell you that even though you might think you're done for because it's too late to get a candygram or book the honeymoon suite at the local Motel 6, I can assure you that you're only stuck my friend - not dead! Yet, anyway ;-)

You see, absent-minded, spoken-for men are one of the foundational reasons that the mini-mart was invented. And so my fellow "who gives a damn but I don't wanna die" Casanovas, I present you with a list of five items you can still easily obtain from your local 7-Eleven or Circle K on your way home from work tonight that just might keep you from spending the rest of the week in the doghouse with no conjugal visits.

Bottle of champagne popping
Wavebreakmedia Ltd

Well, duh! If anything's gonna potentially make her forget about what a dreadful schlock you are for not remembering (or wanting) to blow a couple day's pay on egregiously-priced supermarket roses and a cordiform box of marked-up chocolates, it's booze!

Hell, who knows?...maybe you'll even find a magnum of cheap champagne left over from New Year's next to the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.

So whether it's wine in a can or Corona in the bottle, just make sure you pack home enough of it so she can drown her sorrows to the point of forgetting the whole thing by tomorrow morning.


Now we all know that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and if you come home empty-handed on Valentine's Day, she's going to prove that old idiom in a fashion similar to how Mola Ram did on his unwilling sacrifices in Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom.

But relax, because it's 2023 and we live in a ubiquitously thoughtless age by enlarge. And that means another old idiom - "it's the thought that counts" - has never meant more, especially to a wife or girlfriend who's probably already aware of the fact that she's romantically attached herself to a total loser.

So instead of running all over town and busting your butt to save V-Day at the 7-Eleventh hour, just relax and grab her a hot dog with everything on it and a Slurpee flavored with anything that turns it red. She'll love you just the same as if you'd presented her with a diamond tennis bracelet and tickets to a Richard Marx concert.

A hand scratching an instant lottery with coins.
hyejin kang

Roses wither and die, cherry cordials rot her teeth and make her fat, and dinner out at a fancy restaurant is so expensive it will only ensure that she's miserable when you can't afford deodorant, so why not give her the gift of chance instead!

Since a five-pound box of money is probably out, our little mini-mart buddy - the scratch-off lottery ticket - is here to save the day!

Giving her scratch-offs will show how much you care but place all of the blame on her lousy luck if the ones you buy are a bust.

So c'mon, what are you waiting for? It's a can't miss critical mass Valentine's Day gift that might just end up purchasing you a new big screen TV if she comes up flush too!


Need I say more? Yes, the mini-mart has dozens of options when it comes to cheap, pre-packaged pastries that are loaded with preservatives and artificial everything, but the good ol' Twinkie is still the king when you need to escape being eviscerated for knocking off V-Day.

Think about it. They're sweet. They're cream-filled. They're just the right shape. And hell, they even come in packs of two! How much more perfect can this get for your best gal!

And they even make a red velvet variety this time of if you can score those, it's not only going to be a non-loss (of your own Ding Dong that is), but will actually turn into a huge win.

Next thing you know you'll be feeding them to each other between satin sheets after a roaring night of passion that only a snack cake represented by a cartoon likeness of itself with cowboy boots and a lasso could conjure ;-).


Okay, as much as I hate to admit it, every list like this has to have at least one contingency item. You know, one thing that honestly prepares you for the worst case scenario in the face of all the hope the remaining articles promised.

And so I give you Tylenol...or ibuprofen, Motrin, Nuprin, Anacin, aspirin, and whatever else they sell to remedy over-the-counter aches and pains these days, which I highly recommend picking up in addition to any of the other four selections given to you here.

So why would I be so vehement about making sure you had a few pain relievers around along with the hooch, hot dog and Slurpee, scratch-off tickets, and Twinkies you're going to get to show her how much you care?

Because it's still possible she'll probably be needing them for the headache that will undoubtedly hit her after seeing what you got her for Valentine's Day...and you'll need some for all the pain she'll be putting you through for days on end afterward too ; -).

Gotta keep it real!

Happy V-Day my companion prisoners of love!

Kissin' 97.7 logo
Get our free mobile app

More From Kissin' 97.7